Three words we hate. There are things we say or ask that women who are dealing with pregnancy loss or infertility hate. Some sting and cut just a little bit deeper than the rest.

For various reasons regardless of age or size, whether we have living children or not most of us despise being asked, “Are you pregnant”?  The question can come from a random stranger on the street or from our closest friends and the wound is still the same. Most of us (I’ve been guilty of this myself) ask out of love, hope, and excitement, but it is not always received in love, hope or excitement. More often than not that question reminds us of our loss, brings about self-blame, reminds us of our ever ticking time clock and our uncooperative bodies.

In the last few weeks, several people have bombarded me with questions about my fertility and whether or not I am pregnant. If you love and respect people who have been through a similar journey as I have STOP asking if they are pregnant. STOP asking for updates on their fertility, if they wanted you to know they would have told you by now. Here is a small list of reasons to STOP ASKING.

• The person you’re asking may look pregnant because of a plethora of fertility medications that make you SUPER bloated, moody, anxious, nauseous, etc.
• This person might have been pregnant days ago and is going through a miscarriage
• There are other things in life to celebrate and be excited about that aren’t pregnancy or kid related, not every Facebook post is a secret pregnancy announcement so stop reading into things
• If the person is pregnant but is not in a place to share the news when you decide to ask you’ve put them in a very uncomfortable position
• If they are indeed pregnant but want to surprise their close friends and relatives, you have ruined the surprise.
• Pregnancy after loss is one of the most difficult and anxiety-producing things that a person can go through, do not add to that anxiety by asking people if they are pregnant! (last year’s pregnancy was a pregnancy after loss which resulted in loss so sometimes that anxiety is for a reason)
• Those three words can bring someone back to one of the most painful and traumatic moments of their lives, don’t be that person
• The person you’re asking could have just taken a pregnancy test that shattered their fragile heart because it was negative

People often ask that intrusive question out of selfishness because they don’t want to be excluded. When people are ready to share their amazing news they will, but out of respect and love, I advise you to wait. Wait until they are at a place where they feel at peace to share their news, and don’t get offended if they don’t. Don’t put more pressure on us than we already have, most of us are grieving our dead babies and most of us are dealing with the physical trauma of losing multiple pregnancies. I know that I am not getting any younger, I know that I don’t have living children yet, and I know I have a deep longing in my heart to have children but your questions don’t make it any easier. So once again, STOP ASKING.

This next part is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT: This post is NOT a pregnancy announcement DO NOT read into this. If you are one of the people that have asked or speculated do not feel bad just do better.

Moving on is weird. Part of you feels like it is impossible and you will never be able to “move on”. I don’t even like the term but for lack of a better one that’s the term, I’ll use. When my son passed away, I didn’t think I would make it a week let alone a year. At first, there wasn’t a single moment that I didn’t think about him, not a day, not a second. He consumed my thoughts.

The months following our loss were intense and tough, I was shattered and it seemed that every effort I made to be put back together was in vain because it didn’t work. I could fall apart at any moment. As you live through grief, you learn that grief isn’t linear, that people want you to get over it, that most don’t understand, that you will NEVER be the same, and that you have to go at your own pace.

Like I said earlier, there were many days where all I could think about was my baby, and then days where I only thought about him 50 times. Now there are days where I think of him and don’t break, but there are still days that break me. In this process, you’re hard on yourself when you spend hours thinking about the person you lost and then you’re unforgiving when you don’t. As if you’re somehow betraying your loved one’s memory when you aren’t thinking of them. Grief doesn’t teach us much about balance, grief likes it to be one way or the other.

I won’t let grief tell me what to do, I will learn how to live and grow through my grieving process. No one can tell me what it looks like; no one can tell me how long. Moving from one stage of grief to the other (and then back again) is weird, “moving on” is weird. I have been forever changed by my losses and therefore I will carry the effects of them forever.

This post is part of Stirrup Queens #Microblogmondays

I’m the type of girl that LOVES planners. I don’t like putting things on my virtual calendar I like the old-fashioned way of pen and paper. Having a physical planner helps me remember important dates and it helps me jot down important thoughts. Throughout each of my pregnancies I wrote down dates from my Doctor’s appointments, future and current milestones, and I kept pictures of each ultrasound. After my last loss, I couldn’t bear to continue using the same planner I had and it made no sense to buy a planner in October.

2019 started and I could not come to terms with buying a new planner, the pain stung too much. So, for the better part of the year, I went without my hand dandy planner and I decided it was time. After shopping online, going to Walmart, Target, and Barnes and Noble I finally found the one. I bought a planner that I love and that takes me all the way through December 2020!

Although it is just a planner, for me it is much more than that. Buying my planner is a sign that healing is occurring; it is a sign that in that moment I decided that my pain would not hold me back in that area. Though it may seem small, buying my planner was a huge step and a sign of growth. I like planners and had put that part of me on hold, I am glad some parts of me are slowly coming back while others have evolved.

-JT

Some days are bad, some are terrible

The good days, well they are far in between

They have come with more frequency and with them so does hope.

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I have not been posting as much as I would like to but when I do I try to be as honest as possible. Is there anything about our journey that you would like to know? If so please leave your questions in the comments or e-mail me and I will try to address them in my upcoming posts.

-JT

Part of #MicroblogMondays Click here to learn more.

One year… one year can make a world of a difference. One year ago, I had just found out I was pregnant and valiantly walked through the doors of my fertility clinic not knowing what to expect. That first pregnancy appointment was a routine appointment. First, they had to ensure that I was indeed pregnant, so they ran some bloodwork and performed a diagnostic vaginal ultrasound. After confirming my very early pregnancy I was static. Everything seemed different, brighter, happier.

I NEVER would have imagined that exactly one year later I’d be walking in through those same doors, sitting in that same waiting room empty handed and trying to figure out when to start the process all over again. But somehow there I found myself again. Fighting back tears comparing the two parallels. In one alternate universe, I would be walking in, baby in tow excited for all the (amazing, fantastic, caring) nurses, nurse practitioners, and doctors to finally meet the fruit of their labor. In the real universe, we would be talking about the game plan to get me where the alternate reality is.

The CNY waiting room, a place I’ve become too familiar with.

There is a form of bravery that comes with any type of loss. The bravery to wake up and face the day, the bravery to get dressed, the bravery to sit in the front row during the funeral services, the bravery to go back to work, the bravery to stay home a little longer, the bravery to go grocery shopping, to cut your hair, the bravery to laugh again, to cry, the bravery to live. With loss comes the bravery of adopting a new way of living. For me, bravery comes in the way of not giving up.

In this moment, while I’m was sitting in the CNY* waiting room I did not feel brave. I want to crumble, I want to hide, I want to run away, I want to cry. In this moment I can’t believe the life I’m living, just one year ago I was walking in here because the home pregnancy test read positive, today I sit here knowing that the road we will soon embark on will be similar but different in so many ways. Today I sit here knowing that with my loss comes the bravery of not giving up on something I want so bad. And who knows, one year… one year from now things could look completely different.

-JT

Disclaimer:  my appointment with CNY does not necessarily mean that we are currently trying to conceive. Before we get to that step there are a series of tests and bloodwork that need to be done, this appointment was just the first of several diagnostic appointments that will follow.

CNY: CNY Fertility is the clinic we have been going to for the past year and a half. They are amazing and if you or someone you know is struggling with getting or staying pregnant give them a call, you will be in great hands!

Part of #MicroblogMondays Click here to learn more.

Grief is a pit that becomes your home, comfortable, familiar, your own.

But there comes a point when you have to learn to live again, taking baby steps again and again. Until living life with joy becomes your home, comfortable, familiar, your own.

Not that you forget why you’ve mourned, but you pack it away and every now and then you visit with your old familiar friend, you sit with her sharing stories and tea, and what once was a pit is no longer your home. It is something that you carry deep within your soul.

It doesn’t end there, for when you begin to live again every laughter will come with pain, every smile will want to take you back down memory lane to the pit that you called home. You’ll feel a pull towards guilt and regret, but you must learn to live again, live despite the pain.

Living life. Not surviving. Not existing. Living with joy, laughing with love, dancing with peace.

Life will become your home comfortable, familiar, your own.

– JT

I’m participating in Microblog Mondays if you’re interested in finding out more click here.