Twenty days into the second month of 2019 and I still haven’t written my first post. Mainly out of fear and avoidance. Avoidance because I do not want to deal with all of the complex emotions.
The beginning of a new year brings about desires for new resolutions and goals for the fresh start. This year I find myself with none of those desires. In the past I entered into each New Year with some new goals and some of the same ones. Whether it is saving more money, getting closer with God, reading more, or buying a new car, resolutions often change from year to year but there are some that remain the same and don’t change. I can tell you that for as long as I can remember one of my constant goals have been to lose weight, some years I meet my mark and others I don’t and I am ok with that. However for the past four years one of my goals has remained, to get pregnant and have a baby. I remember entering 2018 full of hope, praying and wishing that 2018 would be the year that would bring me new life in the form of a child…another year broken and unmet “goals”.
2019 is different, I find myself with no desire to think of my goals for this year or what our family plan should look like. All I know is that even though I haven’t decided on what my resolutions/goals (or whatever you prefer to call them) I haven’t given up. Though I am at a place of great loss and pain I choose to still see the light, I choose to believe that this is not my end, I choose to remember the words of an old song “He has not brought me this far to leave me”. So although this year a baby isn’t on my list I have chosen to focus on things that I can “control”, things like my prayer life, what I consume (literature, TV, music, food), travel, my spending, and my outlook on life, posting on a regular basis.
2019 is different. The difference is complex and I cannot unwrap it’s complexity in this one post but I promise if you stick with me we can unwrap it together and you can join me on my incredible journey.