The following post is sensitive and may have some triggers
It was August 14, 2015, and I had been bleeding for about a day or two but because I had taken test after test I didn’t think anything of it and just thought I was finally getting the period I had missed for 4 months. Well on this day I bled heavier than ever. I was in what felt like excruciating pain, the cramps were normal at first and then got worse and worse as the day progressed.
At the time I was unemployed so I had started a small daycare in my home, that day I had two children to look after so despite the pain I had to go on. I played with them, fed them and then finally nap time came, I figured I should probably try to lay down and maybe the pain would subside but I was wrong. As I laid in the bed the pain became more intense and worsened so I gave up on napping. I moved to the couch and felt such intense pain in my lower abdomen and vagina, I had no clue why my “period” was so bad this month. I sat up on the edge of the couch and suddenly I had an overwhelming need and desire to push. Many thoughts went through my mind but I specifically remember thinking this is either a massive clot or somehow I am having a miscarriage. I pushed the thought of a miscarriage as deep and far as I could. So then with the next “cramp” I pushed. I pushed and got a sense of relief, then I got up and headed to the bathroom because I had to check and see what came out. I sat on the toilet and heard a “plop” when I checked I couldn’t see anything so I think whatever came out sank straight down in the toilet and drifted (at this point I have no clue that I am miscarrying).
Because I knew that something was definitely off with my body I used my fingers to check my vagina. I pulled out a very large piece of something that was the size of my palm, flesh-colored, and kind of looked like a piece of chicken breast, and at this point I am internally freaking out. Once again I tried to push the thought of a miscarriage as far back as possible as if trying to expel it from my brain. But no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe just maybe it was a miscarriage. I stayed on the toilet for a while because although my body expelled a large piece of tissue I still felt an urge to push. I waited for what I suspected to be a contraction and with it, I pushed more clots and tissue came out and I knew then that I was miscarrying. I texted a friend who’s a mom for some support and guidance because I felt like I had no idea what was happening to my body or what to expect. I told her that I thought it was a miscarriage and explained how everything was happening and she agreed.
At this point, I felt so alone. My family lives in a different city and I felt like there was no one I could call/ I didn’t know anyone that had experienced a miscarriage so there was no one I could reach out to. I texted my husband and gave him a heads up. Then in the middle of the madness, I get a phone call from an older friend (who is like a mom to me) explaining that she fell from her porch and might have broken both her ankles. So now I’m truly freaking out because I’m almost 100% sure that I am having a miscarriage, my dear friend is on her way to the hospital, and I have two small children whose nap is about to be over. So I clean myself up, I clean the toilet and the floor from the remnants of the massacre that had just occurred. I push my emotions and feelings down because things need to get done. I knew I had a few minutes before I had to wake the kids up and a few hours before my friend got out of surgery.
I used my few minutes to call my doctor’s office and the conversation went like this:
Me: hi yes I’m calling because I think I’m having a miscarriage
Secretary: what makes you say that?
Me: well I just had a horrific amount of clots and flesh colored tissue come out of me
Secretary: well did you know you were pregnant
Me: no, but I am 100% sure that this is what is happening
Secretary: well if you say so, what’s your name and date of birth?
Me: I provide the info.
Secretary: it looks like we can get you in at 9:45 am NEXT FRIDAY
My brain: —–, didn’t I tell you I’m having a ——– miscarriage and you want me to wait 7 days?!?!
Me: Well is that the earliest you have?
Secretary: yes.
Me: ok, then I guess I’ll take it.
I got off the phone feeling so discouraged. This was my OBGYN office, I was hoping I would get a little more compassion from them or that they would say “hey can you come in within 20 minutes or an hour or we don’t have anything available but can you go to the emergency room to make sure everything is passing as it should”. But no, instead I got a very cold reception and was made to feel as if I was dumb or stupid. I take 8 ibuprofens, wake the kids up and give them their afternoon snack. Once their parents come I get myself ready to go to the hospital to go to the ER to get meds and make sure that my body was ok. FALSE I did no such thing, I wanted to do that but instead I put my body and emotions on hold and drove straight into caring for my friend who needed me. I spent the rest of the weekend in the hospital with a few breaks here and there to shower and change. I wish I could tell you that the physical aspect of the miscarriage was over but it wasn’t. I cried every night because my body was taking its time shedding and getting rid of the pregnancy.
The pain was immense and felt unbearable, the amount of blood I was losing was scary but because of my previous phone encounter, I did not want to call the doctor’s office or go to the emergency room since the receptionist made it seem like I was just exaggerating my period symptoms.
To be continued…
