It has officially been a year since I CHOPPED my hair! What a year it has been! Cutting my hair so drastically has allowed me to get re-acquainted with my hair, which has fostered a deeper appreciation of my curls and coils.

In my culture, a woman’s hair is a BIG deal and typically, the longer the better, so when I told my lovely and talented hairdresser that I wanted a big chop her eyes opened wiiiiide and she let out a concerned/disgusted/shocked WHY?!?

Before the Chop

Without waiting for a response, she proceeded to bombard me with questions as a way to figure out if I had lost my mind… Is it giving you trouble? Is it taking too long to style? Is it falling out? is it tangling too much? Your hair is so healthy and beautiful, why are you cutting it? You have great length, why do you want to cut it?  In essence, what she was really asking without using words was “what could possibly be driving you to make this absurd and insane decision”?

I wanted to answer truthfully and say that a person I love with an intense passion left me too soon, that the one we were waiting for finally arrived but is now gone. However, I knew that neither of us was prepared to handle what I wanted to unpack. I wanted to say that the immense pain inside was driving me to make a change. I was no longer the same and I needed my physical appearance to match that change.

To change my furniture, the color of my walls, and my wardrobe wasn’t enough. The change also needed to be reflected in the luscious curls I pride myself. Those curls and coils of my Dominican hair passed down through centuries of African, Taino, and European genes, those curls that were an extension of me needed to be cut.

Somehow I was able to bite the tears back into my eyes and simply whispered that I needed a change and wanted to try something new but she had no clue how deep and heavy my answer was. Cutting my hair was an opportunity to express and show what was missing me.

A year later and I don’t regret a thing because I look DARN good!

My first social outing since our loss. #curlsbepoppin

That length tho!

first Salonaso

Highlights for the win

There are two conflicting thoughts. The one that you know is a lie but feels like truth and the one that you know is true but feels like a lie.

Oftentimes it feels easier to walk and live in the lie. The lie does not often require us to grow, believe, or to be challenged. The lie helps us be complacent and stationary. The lie becomes familiar and we choose to accept it as truth. I am not comfortable with that anymore.

Truth No. 1: I am NOT ashamed of my grief! It is not an easy topic to talk about and people sometimes treat me as if I am someone that needs to be “fixed”. I am not. I am going through the grieving process.

Truth No. 2: People treat me different because I am vocal about my grief and how I got here.

Truth No. 3: I will no longer let people’s comfort level dictate how I share nor how I process.

The truth may be harder to walk out, but in the words of Jesus, “the truth shall make you free”. Truth requires growth, movement and sometimes a leap of faith. Accepting and living in the truth may bring about elements of things unknown and take us places we never dreamt of. The truth regardless of how uncomfortable it may seem is where I want to be.

Some days are bad, some are terrible

The good days, well they are far in between

They have come with more frequency and with them so does hope.

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I have not been posting as much as I would like to but when I do I try to be as honest as possible. Is there anything about our journey that you would like to know? If so please leave your questions in the comments or e-mail me and I will try to address them in my upcoming posts.

-JT

Part of #MicroblogMondays Click here to learn more.

According to Merriam-Webster, “in the field of communications, radio silence refers, rather straightforwardly, to a period or condition when radios are not transmitting”, there is no communication. I feel like that’s how I’ve been the past 3 ½ weeks; Radio Silent.

So much has happened in the past month that I just don’t know how to update you. I want to tell you all about my most recent adventure, I wanted to write about National Infertility Awareness Week (which already passed), I wanted to write about yesterday the first Sunday in May when International Bereaved Mother’s Day is observed. But instead, there was Radio Silence.

I wish I could say it’s a writer’s block but it ain’t, it’s more of an emotional block. The thoughts of should I really be writing about this? Should I really share what I write about this? Infertility and loss are such taboo and difficult topics, is it really worth writing about? I guess doubt created a block for me.

Either way sometime this week I will be sharing about my Chicago trip and all it entailed, where I am at emotionally and how I have been processing my thoughts regarding loss and living after loss.

This post is part of #MicroblogMondays, if you don’t know what that is and would like to know more click here.

JT

Today I asked her what she’d like for her upcoming birthday and her response was “the impossible”. I beat myself up for a moment knowing that I know better than to ask that type of question. Knowing that “the impossible” is the very thing I desire and long for as well.

I know that she’s broken but she won’t allow herself to be broken. I know the depth and heaviness behind those two words in her response. Those two words mean so much more than I can express.

“The Impossible” could mean for this to be a terrible dream, “the impossible” could mean that we could turn back time, it could mean that instead of our babies being in heaven they’d be in our arms.

The impossible. Oh, how many times have I asked for the impossible? Too many to remember, too many to count. “The impossible” could mean a million things that will all give us the same results: to bring our babies home.

I’d do anything to give her the impossible. To mend her heart and fulfill her desires, to wipe her tears and give her that one thing, the one person she longs for. But all I can do for now is walk with her, hold her hand and her heart through this heart-wrenching journey. All I can do is reassure that she’s not alone, all I can do is have hope for us both.

-JT

Last week I posted a rather emotional and raw video of some of my emotions throughout this journey. It was a difficult video to share because it was so personal and intimate, in the same way, I understand it was just as difficult to watch.

I recorded the video a couple of months ago and I couldn’t help but notice the paradox within; two things can be true, there can be two simultaneous truths, I don’t have to choose. I can ask questions and be angry, I can be sad and mourn yet still have hope, in the midst of pain I can still keep the faith.

Going through seasons of loss and despair is difficult especially when it seems that everyone wants you to move on. But who said moving on means you can’t grieve, that you can’t cry, or that you can’t express your inner brokenness?

Two truths can exist. I don’t have to choose.

#Microblogmondays

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