Three words we hate. There are things we say or ask that women who are dealing with pregnancy loss or infertility hate. Some sting and cut just a little bit deeper than the rest.
For various reasons regardless of age or size, whether we have living children or not most of us despise being asked, “Are you pregnant”? The question can come from a random stranger on the street or from our closest friends and the wound is still the same. Most of us (I’ve been guilty of this myself) ask out of love, hope, and excitement, but it is not always received in love, hope or excitement. More often than not that question reminds us of our loss, brings about self-blame, reminds us of our ever ticking time clock and our uncooperative bodies.
In the last few weeks, several people have bombarded me with questions about my fertility and whether or not I am pregnant. If you love and respect people who have been through a similar journey as I have STOP asking if they are pregnant. STOP asking for updates on their fertility, if they wanted you to know they would have told you by now. Here is a small list of reasons to STOP ASKING.
- The person you’re asking may look pregnant because of a plethora of fertility medications that make you SUPER bloated, moody, anxious, nauseous, etc.
- This person might have been pregnant days ago and is going through a miscarriage
- There are other things in life to celebrate and be excited about that aren’t pregnancy or kid related, not every Facebook post is a secret pregnancy announcement so stop reading into things
- If the person is pregnant but is not in a place to share the news when you decide to ask you’ve put them in a very uncomfortable position
- If they are indeed pregnant but want to surprise their close friends and relatives, you have ruined the surprise.
- Pregnancy after loss is one of the most difficult and anxiety-producing things that a person can go through, do not add to that anxiety by asking people if they are pregnant! (last year’s pregnancy was a pregnancy after loss which resulted in loss so sometimes that anxiety is for a reason)
- Those three words can bring someone back to one of the most painful and traumatic moments of their lives, don’t be that person
- The person you’re asking could have just taken a pregnancy test that shattered their fragile heart because it was negative
People often ask that intrusive question out of selfishness because they don’t want to be excluded. When people are ready to share their amazing news they will, but out of respect and love, I advise you to wait. Wait until they are at a place where they feel at peace to share their news, and don’t get offended if they don’t. Don’t put more pressure on us than we already have, most of us are grieving our dead babies and most of us are dealing with the physical trauma of losing multiple pregnancies. I know that I am not getting any younger, I know that I don’t have living children yet, and I know I have a deep longing in my heart to have children but your questions don’t make it any easier. So once again, STOP ASKING.
This next part is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT: This post is NOT a pregnancy announcement DO NOT read into this. If you are one of the people that have asked or speculated do not feel bad just do better.