I enjoy Facebook memories, there is something about them that makes you reminisce about where you were and thankful for where you are.

Today’s memory brought me back to such a happy day. We were pregnant at the time and had reached 16 weeks, which for us was HUGE. We had gone in for an ultrasound and saw our baby move, saw him moving his hands and feet he was dancing in the womb.

By that point, we had not officially announced our pregnancy and only a handful of people knew, I still wanted to commemorate that day so I went on FB and posted the update below.

We had gotten further along than any other pregnancy before it, so it was important to remember that and be grateful for that.

Today it serves as a reminder that even the little things deserve recognition. I know that it will help me during my next pregnancy. Maybe I will adopt that as my motto the next time I am pregnant. Every milestone deserves to be celebrated.

-JT

I’m the type of girl that LOVES planners. I don’t like putting things on my virtual calendar I like the old-fashioned way of pen and paper. Having a physical planner helps me remember important dates and it helps me jot down important thoughts. Throughout each of my pregnancies I wrote down dates from my Doctor’s appointments, future and current milestones, and I kept pictures of each ultrasound. After my last loss, I couldn’t bear to continue using the same planner I had and it made no sense to buy a planner in October.

2019 started and I could not come to terms with buying a new planner, the pain stung too much. So, for the better part of the year, I went without my hand dandy planner and I decided it was time. After shopping online, going to Walmart, Target, and Barnes and Noble I finally found the one. I bought a planner that I love and that takes me all the way through December 2020!

Although it is just a planner, for me it is much more than that. Buying my planner is a sign that healing is occurring; it is a sign that in that moment I decided that my pain would not hold me back in that area. Though it may seem small, buying my planner was a huge step and a sign of growth. I like planners and had put that part of me on hold, I am glad some parts of me are slowly coming back while others have evolved.

-JT

They say that time heals everything. I would have to disagree. Some things heal with time, such as a cut or a broken bone, and others leave scars that last a lifetime like a skinned knee from that summer when you were seven years old.

I don’t think grief goes away with time, you just learn to live with it. As time goes by you get better and better at the aftermath. I cannot say that at this moment I feel the same way I did 10 months ago. The depth of the pain is still there but it is something I am now accustomed to.

So no, time does not heal everything, but they do say practice makes perfect. Every day is another chance to practice living life, another chance to learn how to live after loss.

-JT

There are two conflicting thoughts. The one that you know is a lie but feels like truth and the one that you know is true but feels like a lie.

Oftentimes it feels easier to walk and live in the lie. The lie does not often require us to grow, believe, or to be challenged. The lie helps us be complacent and stationary. The lie becomes familiar and we choose to accept it as truth. I am not comfortable with that anymore.

Truth No. 1: I am NOT ashamed of my grief! It is not an easy topic to talk about and people sometimes treat me as if I am someone that needs to be “fixed”. I am not. I am going through the grieving process.

Truth No. 2: People treat me different because I am vocal about my grief and how I got here.

Truth No. 3: I will no longer let people’s comfort level dictate how I share nor how I process.

The truth may be harder to walk out, but in the words of Jesus, “the truth shall make you free”. Truth requires growth, movement and sometimes a leap of faith. Accepting and living in the truth may bring about elements of things unknown and take us places we never dreamt of. The truth regardless of how uncomfortable it may seem is where I want to be.

Below is a little something I wrote 5 years ago on my way home from visiting my parents and my hometown.

If I could, I would go back in time and tell my younger self to stop wishing for the day when she could leave home…

For little does she know that a few years down the road her greatest wish would be to be back in that little two bedroom apartment she wanted to leave so fast

 She does not know that there will be a day when her biggest dream is to be home with her family for more than a weekend at a time.

That every time she leaves home her heart is shattered over and over

In the rearview mirror, all she will see are her memories and the faces of loved ones

I would tell her to cherish it, to revel in those moments minute by minute. To hug a little longer, to hold her sister through the night. To kiss her brother good night.

I would tell her to lay on her mami’s lap and wait up for her Papi to come home from work

To soak in every smell that comes from the kitchen and to embrace the sound of every syllable spoken in her native tongue

I would tell her to slow down

-JT

Some days are bad, some are terrible

The good days, well they are far in between

They have come with more frequency and with them so does hope.

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I have not been posting as much as I would like to but when I do I try to be as honest as possible. Is there anything about our journey that you would like to know? If so please leave your questions in the comments or e-mail me and I will try to address them in my upcoming posts.

-JT

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I LOVE celebrations, absolutely love them. I love to celebrate people and their milestones, holidays, anniversary, and just because. My ultimate person to celebrate is my husband, I absolutely adore showing him how much he means to me on a regular basis and special occasions.

Whether it is Valentine’s Day, his birthday, our anniversary, Christmas or regular days in between, I love celebrating my one and only, which is part of the reason why Father’s Day is so hard for me. Mother’s Day is hard but I find that my emotions are harder to deal with on Father’s Day. It feels weird not knowing exactly how to celebrate his fatherhood. I imagine that once we have babies earth side, I will do this grand gesture in celebrating him so right now it feels a bit empty to do that.

I find it hard to celebrate, as if celebrating is entirely too uncomfortable for me to handle. How do you celebrate amid loss? How do you celebrate when what or who you once loved has been lost? One thing I can say is that it ain’t easy. Saying “happy Father’s Day” comes with a huge sting, with a feeling of drowning while you are trying to get the words out, it comes with sadness. Despite all that I celebrate because even though our children are in heaven, he is a great father. In our circumstance I don’t like the term “you will be a great dad/mom” because it negates the fact that we are already to kids you can’t see.

In order to celebrate I focus on the now. I focus on the fact that he truly is a wonderful father, caring, loving, forgiving, selfless. so, although celebrating may be hard, I won’t let that keep me from acknowledging my husband as the amazing father he is. In the midst of my emotional discomfort I will choose to highlight him in a day that I know it is not easy to be a grieving father.

Fathers are important too, in every aspect and every step. Fathers are important in the process of grieving, sometimes fathers can be forgotten but I see you.

Babe, as a father you inspire me. I am grateful for the children we have made, and I look forward to raising great kids with you. I love you more than words can say and more than I can express.

If today you are like me, finding it hard to celebrate on Father’s Day (because of infertility, pregnancy loss, the death of a loved one) I hope you take comfort in the good, in the memories that were built and the ones that are to come.

-JT

One year… one year can make a world of a difference. One year ago, I had just found out I was pregnant and valiantly walked through the doors of my fertility clinic not knowing what to expect. That first pregnancy appointment was a routine appointment. First, they had to ensure that I was indeed pregnant, so they ran some bloodwork and performed a diagnostic vaginal ultrasound. After confirming my very early pregnancy I was static. Everything seemed different, brighter, happier.

I NEVER would have imagined that exactly one year later I’d be walking in through those same doors, sitting in that same waiting room empty handed and trying to figure out when to start the process all over again. But somehow there I found myself again. Fighting back tears comparing the two parallels. In one alternate universe, I would be walking in, baby in tow excited for all the (amazing, fantastic, caring) nurses, nurse practitioners, and doctors to finally meet the fruit of their labor. In the real universe, we would be talking about the game plan to get me where the alternate reality is.

The CNY waiting room, a place I’ve become too familiar with.

There is a form of bravery that comes with any type of loss. The bravery to wake up and face the day, the bravery to get dressed, the bravery to sit in the front row during the funeral services, the bravery to go back to work, the bravery to stay home a little longer, the bravery to go grocery shopping, to cut your hair, the bravery to laugh again, to cry, the bravery to live. With loss comes the bravery of adopting a new way of living. For me, bravery comes in the way of not giving up.

In this moment, while I’m was sitting in the CNY* waiting room I did not feel brave. I want to crumble, I want to hide, I want to run away, I want to cry. In this moment I can’t believe the life I’m living, just one year ago I was walking in here because the home pregnancy test read positive, today I sit here knowing that the road we will soon embark on will be similar but different in so many ways. Today I sit here knowing that with my loss comes the bravery of not giving up on something I want so bad. And who knows, one year… one year from now things could look completely different.

-JT

Disclaimer:  my appointment with CNY does not necessarily mean that we are currently trying to conceive. Before we get to that step there are a series of tests and bloodwork that need to be done, this appointment was just the first of several diagnostic appointments that will follow.

CNY: CNY Fertility is the clinic we have been going to for the past year and a half. They are amazing and if you or someone you know is struggling with getting or staying pregnant give them a call, you will be in great hands!

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We often hold deep, deep secrets. Secrets that are important to us, secrets that make up our story and shape who we are. We often shy away from telling our stories, whether it be out of fear, shame, or doubt. In our case talking about infertility and pregnancy loss seems too taboo a subject to discuss, something that should be hushed, embarrassing and something that in our minds people just don’t want to hear.

But it is so important to tell your story at the right time to anyone who will hear. Your story is a part of who you are and should be told. Now, don’t get me wrong wisdom and knowing the right timing is essential. What I am saying is that telling your story whether bad, good, or great is essential in your maturing and growing. Even though the topics I have previously addressed are difficult telling parts of my story has helped in my healing. Speaking about my pain helps the memory of my son live on, his memory is important to me and his story like mine must be told.

I recently heard a song by Johnnyswim (if you follow me on Instagram then you know I’m slightly obsessed with them) titled “Let it Matter” and it spoke to me on so many levels. Here are some of the lyrics that spoke to me the most:

“So if it matters let it matter

If your heart’s breaking let it ache

Catch those pieces as they scatter

Know your hurt is not in vain”

Today I tell you, let it matter. It might not be today or tomorrow but one day tell your story, whether you write in a letter for someone to read long after you’ve gone, whether you record it in a video, whether you post it on Facebook or a small blog… Let it matter.

“they overcame him by the blood of the lamb and the words of their testimony” (Rev 12:11a)

– JT 

Most of us have probably heard the old African proverb “it takes a village to raise a child”. Well in our case it takes a village to have a child. If you have followed any of my most recent posts then you know that my husband and I recently took a trip to Chicago.

As much as I would have liked this trip to have been strictly for fun and pleasure it wasn’t; this was a trip that was borne out of medical necessity. During my last pregnancy, I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix (IC), which resulted in my preterm labor and ultimately in the death of my baby boy. Once you have been diagnosed with IC, you have it for life and all of your following pregnancies will be affected by it. If you have IC you typically have a vaginal cerclage* placed after 12 weeks, vaginal cerclages can still fail and doctors will not place a vaginal cerclage for pregnancies of multiples (2 or more babies).

Due to the low success rate of vaginal cerclages, I knew I needed something more, something that will give me a greater chance of bringing a baby home. Enter the Transabdominal Cerclage (TAC). I found out about TACs via a young woman in a grief support group that I attend, her story is similar to mine and she gave me all the details about TACs and Dr. Haney, the doctor who did hers. I went home SUPER excited (and extra cautious) about this new piece of information, talked to my boo, and did hours of research about the surgery and its success rate.

In my research, I found that not many doctors place TACs and that Dr. Haney was one out of a handful of doctors who does the open method and is the nation’s leading expert. The only downfall is that he works in Chicago and I would be cut open C-section style. I didn’t care I want to have the best fighting chance.

After about a week of non-stop research I scheduled a phone consultation and the next day I was able to schedule my surgery. Soon after I booked my hotel, made arrangements to stay with family and researched local restaurants and the best routes to get there.

I knew that this trip wouldn’t be cheap, so first I had to pray for a few things:

1. That the $8,000.00 procedure would be covered by insurance
2. That we would find a cheap hotel to stay the night before
3. That we could stay with family the day after
4. That gas would be the cheapest ever or that God would provide the gas money

Let me just tell you, time flew! From the moment I found out about transabdominal cerclages to the day of my surgery, all I did was blink and suddenly I was getting prepped for surgery. In the short time that passed, God answered our prayers.

1. My out of pocket expense for the surgery was $15.00!!!
2. A couple we are close to completely paid for our very nice hotel!
3. We were able to stay with family until I felt better to travel!
4. Two couples we are close to decided to pay for our gas and other travel expenses!

The physical aspect of the surgery was huge (it’s been 4 weeks since and I’m still not 100% back yet), the incision was made right above my bikini line and was WAY MORE PAINFUL than I could have imagined. The pain was absolutely terrible, I had never felt pain like that. The incision was right above my bikini line and about 7 inches long, but that wasn’t what hurt. My abdominal muscles were severely bruised and sore, according to the doctor my muscles were so strong that the surgery took an extra 2 hours just to move them out of the way (I’m the Hulk). I was discharged the next day and we were supposed to head home the day after but due to the pain we had to stay an extra night, thankfully our Illinois family received us with open and caring arms and helped me recuperate enough to make the 12-hour ride home.

Deciding to have this surgery was a massive decision for us. Mainly because getting this surgery meant we were moving forward on our journey, the surgery signified a physical change and move, and an emotional move forward. It’s been tricky as emotions usually are. The surgery was the first step in starting trying to conceive (TTC) and everything it brings. But we knew we needed this, I needed this. However this is not to say that we are TTC right now, we simply took the first step in a 10,000 step journey.

I wrote all that to say that had it not been for my village our first step would have been so much harder. Those around me made it possible to have this surgery. I’m grateful for my family those that are local, those in Illinois, those that prayed, those that gave, those that took care of me. To each one of you: THANK YOU! My surgery was successful because of you.

So although it most certainly takes a village to raise a child, for us it takes a village to have one.

JT

(if you haven’t done so already follow me on Instagram @jer1110)

we made it to ChiTown                      

Before my surgery

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After 4 hours, I couldn’t be happier